I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
