meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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