I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
