Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
