He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
