my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize