I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize