Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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