I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
