Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
