I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Your penis caused this!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
