My liver just broke up with me...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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