i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
