We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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