You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
