I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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