Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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