Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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