um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
