Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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