I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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