I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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