Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
