my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
