The beer is more important than you right now.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
