we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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