So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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