Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is the high leading the old right now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
