I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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