Need sex. Gaining weight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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