is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The Olympian is in my bed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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