My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
