In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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