i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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