It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
