It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
