her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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