Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she told me i tasted like america
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
