Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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