I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
