i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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