He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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