If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
