The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
