there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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