you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
