Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
