the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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