How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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