Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
