Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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