Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
