There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
