Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
