Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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