My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
