Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
