i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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