I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
