Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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