i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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