i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
