Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She's the barista slut.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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