Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
